Here’s a list of Church of England Ministry Error Codes inspired by a recent conversation on a certain clergy web forum.
All are genuine http web error codes. ***Simon Douglas has pointed out that these are in fact ‘status codes, but he is a self-confessed geek***
400 Bad Request
No. You cannot ask God to smite Mrs Miggins.
Similar to 403 Forbidden, but specifically for use when authentication is required and has failed or has not yet been provided. The Archdeacon has not got back to you and you can’t be licensed.
402 Payment Required
Reserved for future use.
The collection has been a bit short recently. No one can leave the service until they’ve given some (gift-aided) donations
The Wardens have taken your Church keys away. Unlike a 401 Unauthorized response, authenticating will make no difference.
404 Not Found
The requested resource could not be found but may be available again in the future. The vicar is unavailable. It is not possible to leave a message on their voice-mail.
405 Method Not Allowed
That is not how we celebrate the Communion in this tradition.
406 Not Acceptable
This parish has passed resolution A&B (please provide proof of Y Chromosome before continuing).
407 Proxy Authentication Required
The parish is under the authority of the Bishop of Ebbsfleet.
408 Request Timeout
The server didn’t turn up to help with communion
You shouldn’t have tried to remove the pews
You succeeded in removing the pews
411 Length Required
See “Paschal Candle”
412 Precondition Failed
The candidate is not baptised
413 Request Entity Too Large
You can’t pray for that!
415 Unsupported Media Type
You’ve picked up a copy of the Church of England Newspaper. Stop. Put it down. Walk away.
416 Requested Range Not Satisfiable
You’ve attempted to lead a Common Worship service. Please try again using the Book of Common Prayer.
417 Expectation Failed
Welcome to the Church of England
418 I’m a teapot (RFC 2324) – [[This is a real http error code!]]
You over consecrated at communion. Go and sit quietly in a dark room.
419 Authentication Timeout (not in RFC 2616)
The Bishop is late for your licensing service.
420 Method Failure
You are not licensed in this province
422 Unprocessable Entity (WebDAV; RFC 4918)
Multi-faith service attempted. Logic error. Syntax undefined.
423 Locked (WebDAV; RFC 4918)
You’ve forgotten the safe key and the service registers are unaccessible
424 Failed Dependency (WebDAV; RFC 4918)
The family won’t do the eulogy. Stock response needed.
426 Upgrade Required
Liturgical reform is in progress
428 Precondition Required (RFC 6585)
The candidate must be baptised to perform this rite. See Error#412
429 Too Many Requests (RFC 6585)
The Parish has sent too many requests in a given amount of time. [Common Error]
431 Request Header Fields Too Large (RFC 6585)
The Glebe land needs managing [Largely a redundant error]
440 Login Timeout
Synod Error. Indicates that session has expired. House of Laity to blame.
444 No Response
You’ve asked a question of the Archdeacon. Standard error.
449 Retry With
Automatic response to 444. Expect boot loop.
450 Blocked by Windows Parental Controls
451 Unavailable For Legal Reasons
Very bad vicar.
Check out the Church Times job website.
494 Request Header Too Large
See 431 but apply to multi-parish benefice.
495 Cert Error
Crisisof faith. Try ‘retreat’ command.
496 No Cert
498 Token expired/invalid
Try using bread instead of wafers
499 Client Closed Request
Change suggested. Standard parish response.
499 Token required
Only used in parishes where Children in Communion has been implemented.